Letters from myself

To,Krupa
19feb 2036

Hi you!Surprised to receive a mail from yourself?Well,we are not really the same person you know…there have been changes!!!
Lemme remind you about how your yesterday was…You were a dreamer…a true blue romantic…very sensitive..intense and totally crazy!Does your calm exterior still hide the same person inside?

I have a few confessions to make…
First of all the lines around your eyes…I caused them…laughing at the crazy combination of stuff my life was…Curiosity sake,do you still grin the same way?
That bad case of knee pain you get…I am guilty again...high heels…too much trekking…and too much kneeling down as punishment in convents…need I say more?
I learnt to have high expectations out of life and myself…maybe that caused a lot of heartache for you…but I am sure,you wouldn’t want it any other way…na?

Do you still believe in love?I hope you do…And Krupa,Do you still dream….I am sure you do…without your dreams…you have no existence..Does moonlight still move you to tears?Do you still sing songs off-key?
Did you manage to write that book you were planning ?Do you still like sleeping on your tummy..listening to old love songs?
And girl,did you finally meet the man of your dreams?When you both met,was it love at first sight..or did you hate him?How does being in love feel like?Does it really feel like having tyhphoid-giddy,helpless and restless?Is he spunky and funny or intense and dependable?What does he call you?Do you hold hands with him like the way I used to dream of?oh!you have no idea how the answers of these questions worry me!!!
I am jealous of you...you know all the answers…
Long time back, I wanted to have 12 babies,remember? Now I would be happy with two.So how many did you finally settle for?What did you name your daughter..How is she..like you or like her dad?More importantly does she read?

Does the charm of a written word still mesmerize you?How many boooks do you have now?Did you finally manage a library with a fire place,which I used to yearn for?

How has life been-like a roller coaster ride full of ups and downs..or like a merry-go-around…a happy cheerful ride?Do you look back and miss me or you think you are better than me?

You know Krupa,there are times when I don’t want to ever become you…and some times..I can’t wait to be you…Are you still clueless about what you want out of life? I hope not!

Finally there are a few questions I need answer to…
Krupa, are you content?
Are you happy?
Do you regret the decisions I made for you?

Rest assured, I will always love you.
Take care…
Krupa
15,Feb2006
PS:Do you still feel guilty when you eat chocolate fantasy?


To,
Krupa
Nov 1,2000.

Krupa,I thought I would write a letter to you..to answer a few questions which used to plague your mind….You must be enjoying your 18th birthday…I remember that it was the best birthday party I ever had…
I have shoulder -length hair now.I know,you had sworn never to grow your hair..but I actually like it this way..
I am a working woman..i stay alone..yes!it’s true…and I am having a great time too.You are uncomfortable going out alone…you are unimaginably shy,feel tongue tied to talk to strangers…and your stage fear..is legendary!You know what?
I go shopping alone…Can talk to anyone now and I just realized that I am pretty ok on the stage…talk about changing!I have kept our dream world intact..its still my haven…I still dream,grin like a maniac..cry over silly reasons…and talk gibberish,just like you!I miss those times on the lazy-chair in our terrace.. times spent sipping on a big mug of tea..and dreaming…

I miss those crazy girls day-outs, you take for granted…I miss that girl gang, which you are the centre of…I still keep in touch with them and I love them very much,but we don’t hang out a lot together…once every week.
Can you believe it Krups,many of your friends are married…
And here is a let down..the dream man who was supposed to sweep me off my feet,is yet to show up.I sometimes doubt his existence and have a gut feeling that if he does turn up he will insist that we go dutch!

The doubts I face in life are more daunting than the stuff you worried about…but overall,I must say life has been interesting.
Guess what?i learnt salsa..and also went horse-riding…

Horse riding is not like what you thought it would be..forget galloping,I cant even get that horse to move!It hurts like hell..but its fun.I guess anything worthy of learning..is exactly like that!

If only you knew the books I read now…I have collected so many more books…

I have lost your art of writing beautiful long letters…I have no time for fabric-painting..and rarely do I go out and get wet in the rain..just for the sake of getting wet.
But I write a lot…travel a lot..and hey!i did take that trip to kerala..its as beautiful as you imagined it to be.
Just like you,I am trying to reduce weight,but I am not maniacal about it anymore.
It's one of the realities I am ok with!
So,I just wanted to add that I am grateful for the decisions you made…and I love you.

Take care,
Krupa19 feb 2006.

sansar se bhage phir te ho!

This is a song from the movie "Chitralekha"...
sansar se bhaage phir the ho,
bhagwan ko tum kya paoge?
is lok ko bhi apna na sake,
us lok mein bhi pach thaoge
yeh paap hai,yeh puny hai,
kya reethon par dharam ki mohre hai?
har yug men badalthe dharamon ko kaise adarsh banaoge?
is bhog bhi ek tapsy hai,
tum tyaag ke maare kya jaano?
apman rachetha ka hoga agar rachana ko agar tukra voge!
hum kahthe hai ke yeh jag hamara hai
tum kehethe ho ke ek jhootha sapna
hum janam bithakar jayenge,
tum janam gavakar jaoge..

I simply love this philosophy!!!

Different Drums

Different Drums
"You should stop dreaming so much!"
"Krupa!get practical"
"You think life is a technicolor movie"
"You should stop giggling so much..what will people think?"
"you will get hurt...if you r so romantic'
and the admonishing goes on...
I have tried telling..reasoning..arguing...that I like myself the way i am!
People who are afraid that i will get hurt at life's cruel turns...forget that
i probably enjoy life's bounties more than their cautious selves..so its a fair deal!
A few tears in return of a lot more smiles:)
I know these people worry about me...and
i am grateful about their concern...but hey,i am not STUPID...i can take care of myself!
And yes i have unreasonable dreams...but i am unreasonable myself..why
should my dreams be any different;)?

You may think i am greedy..wanting so much out of life...but think about it this way..i have one life...i would like to live it as if nothing is impossible...a bouquet of infinite possibilities.
I don't want to lead a dull life with practical...easy to achieve goals!
I want unreasonable dreams to chase...
I know even i am guilty of the same crime...i have wished many people to change into a
more romantic,idealistic person...but i try not to consciously do it!
It helps to remember that we all march to different drums!
So,to all my well-wishers,here is something i picked up from i don't remember where...

It echoes my feelings...
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If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view.

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances,
try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be.

I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me.
That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend, or your colleague.
If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself,
so that some day these ways of mine might not seem
so wrong, and might finally appear to you as right -- for me.
To put up with me is the first step to understanding me.

Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer
irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness.

And in understanding me you might come to prize my differences from you, and,
far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences.

If Questioning Would Make Us Wise-Christopher Brennan

This is one of my favorite poems...each word is so true..so wise..and absolutely breath-taking!
If Questioning Would Make Us Wise
If questioning would make us wise
No eyes would ever gaze in eyes;
If all our tale were told in speech
No mouths would wander each to each.
Were spirits free from mortal mesh
And love not bound in hearts of flesh
No aching breasts would yearn to meet
And find their ecstasy complete.
For who is there that lives and knows
The secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?
Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why"
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.

The dried old tree

I am writing about a tree in our campus...our office is surrounded by beautiful trees,shrubs..and flowering plants on all sides.When all of them flower together...they can put a rainbow to shame!lush green lawns beckon...to walk barefoot...and sometimes the water droplets from ..the sprinkler..glisten like diamonds...demanding you to look at the beauty..so inherent in everything....and looking at people passing by without sparing a glance,I think.. how we have become so numb to beauty..and everything pleasant.Now,only the horrible things appeal to us..or catches our attention.....I guess nobody ever spoke so much about the serenity or the splendor of the sea as much as they would talk...about the destruction wrought by the angst of the sea-goddess!but I am drifting away from the topic...this was not about the beauty...of the lawns or anything..... but the sadness of a dried tree which stands amidst so much beauty.I look at it and wonder....how sad it must be to be so plain....what pain ailed its heart so much that it died....Denuded of all its leaves...it stands.....what does it feel?has it accepted its destiny philosophically...or is it jealous..unhappy...that nature though being so kind to its peers...has wreaked its appearance and wrought so much misery upon it?everyday when the mighty sun.....warms the horizons.....does it hurt its pride....so stand without any clothes..with no colors to its face?I felt sad for the unfairness...everywhere...till...one day I stayed late and happened to pass near that tree....and what I saw...was....though the harsh. glares of the sun..made it look plain...moonlight had with her magic-wand made its simplicity look beautiful...the very lack of leaves now made it alluring,mysterious.....and I stood there drinking in the balance in which mother nature works...its is not that she does not lend beauty to all...its only that ..its our failing as humans...that we fail to see the beauty in everything...because we have so many pre-set notions and ideas..what beauty(or anything else,for that matter)ought to be and what it should look like!and I also realized...it stood out from other trees .I hardly ever noticed other trees...though they were far prettier(at least according to my notions)...so I started wondering....whether sometimes..we people...are so narrow-sighted that we look at being different as lacking in beauty...we do,dont we?Not only all these...this tree made other trees look more beautiful...more lush..because of its barrenness!poor thing...making other trees look pretty...but in return only to be branded as "the dried old tree"!so..many people..in our lives....in this way ..add more poetry to our lives...though they look useless ...don't u agree?And I thought of all those men and women who stood snubbed from the society...because they did not fit into the society's norms..and I make a silent salute to all the poets,painters,visionaries,scientists,rebels....who believed in their heart's desire and brought happiness to our lives...inspite of the pain they endured because of the society's narrow-mindedness!and so I learnt...from this beautiful tree....a thousand secrets....my heart had forgotten....

The notes of a vagabond

I wonder how people manage to write travelogues...traveling to me has been a very "senses" thing...to take in everything..the new smells...the new faces..new stories...and its totally a *feeling* thing.I am on a high when i am traveling, drinking in every tiny detail..refusing to put them down into drab little words.But of late I have noticed that in spite of traveling so much...i only remember few things..not the extensive detail in which i lived ,while traveling..but just a sunset..a cup of tea shared on the road side...or the odd sprained neck.I can still feel the exhilaration..but the details are missing .I only remember that feeling of contentment ,when I am on the move.It is like you see a beautiful painting..and after many years only remember that it was exquisite without recalling every brush stroke..or the exact hue of the color used.So, however unappealing it sounds to my gypsy heart,I have decided to record my travel experiences...not in the sequential way..but more like a bouquet of sensations..or views..or thoughts I lived and loved,while traveling.
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In my family we have a thing for Nilgiris...a bond... completely irrational..the very sight of those blue-green mountains evoking in us a sense of belonging...and the we never get bored of visiting that place..and the excitement never wanes.The greenery...the blue skies...the empty roads...Aaah!the empty roads with villagers trying to sell tendercoconuts to the thirsty travelers.It is a route loved by the college students...so, you have a few tendercoconuts dangling from the branch of a tree..and a thin wiry man holding a coconut in his hand..trying to tempt you into stopping your car or your bike!Our destination this time was the queen of all hills-Ooty.I have stopped counting the number of times I have been to that place.Though I love Conoor,ooty's sedate sister more...ooty has its own gamine charm.We cross through Bandipur,Madhumalai-both of which are reserve forests...and the animals there are quitehabituated to human presence.So you will see, a deer looking back at you unperturbed...meeting and holding your gaze.I sit in the back seat of our car...looking out of the window..and with the moving scenery..making slurry pictures in my mind,a riot of thoughts bombard my mind..while my eyes drink all the greenness around.when you reach the foothills of nilgiris..the temperature drop hits you like a shock....it is like getting into a refrigerator from a hot room.and the fresh air......your chest hurts..by the freshness and the nip of chill in the air...an unimaginably pleasurable experience.In the bosom of Nilgiris..i can smell anything..the woody smell of forest...the sweet smellof fertile soil...the smell of eucalyptus wafting mildly......the sense of smell..though the least developed,is the most pleasurable.the roads in ooty..are all curved..like a tendril of a flowering creeper....and lined on both sides by flowering plants.I just love the haphazard way..mother nature grows her plants..splashing colors....and not giving a hoot abt arranging everything in an orderly manner.. small tiny flowers of yellow,white..sometimes light pink..and yes,lilac!i am yet to look at a sad looking plant in ooty..its almost like one can touch the grin on each flower's face....you can see the flower wink at you and say"howdy!"Ooty is an extravaganza of colors..its as if the nilgiris brightens up...intensifying every color...the carrots are the brightest orange..the greens so green....its almost like looking at the very heart of that color!!!and how can i not talk abt the mist....as though shy of her own vivid beauty..the nilgiris wraps herself in a veil ofsilvery mist...ummmm...have you ever been kissed by a passing cloud?its a very delicious feeling...kind of like a soft hug and just the hint of a tender kiss....Mist is like a lover's thought...simply envelopes you...you have no choice at all!***********************************************************************************
Ooty is full of soft undulating mountains of tea plantations-green..with the young leaves reflecting the soft sun rays...pretty flowers...people in warm woolen clothes...and lovers everywhere!!!you have trees older than time itself...and the beauty fresh as tomorrow..its a haunting combination....I look at those magnificent trees...and wonder what stories they would whisper if only they could talk to me....trips to nilgiri has always been a sensory overload....the drizzle in ooty has a musical quality....and since its a plastic free zone...the roads..look as though they were spring cleaned!!!I remember the drive in the soft drizzle to coffee day.. which was fullof noisy kids..out with a foreign couple who were throwing them a party...the sheerlaziness in curling up on the couch...looking out through the french windows...and letting the choclateeeeeey flavors of "chocolate fantasy"(chocolate pastry with meltedhot chocolate sauce)...hit all your nerve ends.....and then slowly sip over a hot cup...or should i say mug of hot sugarless coffee...the coffee so strong..you can feel the caffeine flowing in your veins!!!!And i think this is how life should be...where there are no worries...time doesn't exist..only pleasure does!!!************************************************************************************
From ooty,we took the scenic way to a hidden haven called Avalanchy(nothing to do with snow...its just the name of that place)...the road is really bad...but you wont mind it coz the view is amazing.If avalanchy doesn't take ur breath away..doesn't make you bend down at the sheer beauty ofnature...then...you must be dead atleast 50 years!!!Avalanchy is the embodiment ofmy imagination of what neverland would look like...green mountains....fresh..crystal clear lake......and clouds everywhere...the sun rays so soft..you would wonder whether it was a caress!the sun rays on the water..would make it glitter..as though jewels were spewed on thewater surface....one could easily imagine mermaids,fairies,imps...it looked like a setting for "midsummer night's dream".....i could simply sit and drink it all in for hours together and not care.When faced with unbelievable beauty or intolerablesadness...a person always is aware of her loneliness....that shestands alone...and its simultaneously a scary and gratifying thought!!!!***********************************************************************************
In avalanchy..we had been to a trout farm....in many a M&B book,the leading couple go"tickling a trout".....and was amused to finally see the fish over which so many romances had bloomed.The place had a haunted look..covered in lichens..as though it was lost in some time warp....we had an old man explain to us,how they breed these fishes.These fishes are not native to India...and an old rusty board explained to us...about a chap... who tried all his life to cultivate this fish in India..failed a million times....then brought a fresh breed from New-Zealand..and was finally successful...a life devoted to fish-breeding...the dedication I admire...though I dontunderstand his love for fish breeding.. Sigh!To each his own madness!!!He is buried in the same place..Standing near his grave..wishing he could speak upto me and answer...I couldalmost imagine the passion in his deep-throated voice(such a passionate man should have a deep voice)...and the gleam in his eyes when he tells me stories about his beloved fish...he is lucky in that he lies inhis death...close to things he loved.He lived doing what he loved...and died near them.Few men are lucky or courageous enough to follow the dictates of their love!

I saw fish-eggs...oh!they are the cutest things....pearl-like...millions of them....tiny wonders of perfect circularity..carrying inside them the wonder we call "life"!..Nature never ceases to amaze!**************************************************************************************
While coming back....each one of us content...the other two were having some conversation..there is nothing more pleasing to the ear than a friendly banter..na?...I was paying no attention to what they spoke...but i liked their words...like a background score to my thoughts....it was sun set time...oddly,there was no orange hues in the sky...each cloud had a silverlining to it....and I saw birds flying...people harvesting potatoes...some going backfrom work.. we even managed to get some fresh radish and turnips from a generous farmer.I kept that radish near my nose...the smell of earth...and something so fresh...it was one of those moments..which will remain in my mind for a long time.It was an evening of pure perfection.... and ya..we met a guy who was riding his cycle...and....felt happy looking at him.He seemed so joyful riding his old cycle!I have seen so many sad faces..in rich cars...was glad..that happiness still cant be bought...and probably will never be a sale-able commodity.
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Once we went back..we went to quaint little chinese hotel and hot steaming soup..and had food including mushrooms with a lot of pepper in it.I love the taste of pepper...my favorite spice along with cardamom...pepper is very naughty in its taste..there is almost a wink..and it has a lot of spunk!!!!well...we had a cozy dinner and came back to our guest house...In the dark ...it seemed spooky and we made silly jokes about bhooths and women with candles...and laughed outrageously.In the mountains...the evenings are very small....the night falls so soon...and the cold nip in the air...is pleasant onlyif you have warm clothes on!we were all shivering becoz of the cold....and i fell asleep under the warmth of two thick rugs with a smile on my face, while the other two were still talking.
*************************************************************************************************************************In our guest house we met a woman called Shivganga and her two daughters-Priyanka and manisha.Shivganga was being pressurized by her relatives to get daughter married!!!And priyanka...the daughter in question...was still in her10th standard.My mom in her usual concerned way,tried to give courage to that lonely woman...and told her it is too soon for a girl to enter matrimony.The young girl looked smart...still a bud...and the society was planning to never let her blossom.A proper education doesnt always guarantee a happy life but is very essential to lead a fulfilling life.An educated mind if,willing can discover and explore the wonders of this world in better ways.As I listen to my mom give courage to that lady and look at her fear-filled eyes of Shivganga...and feel that i am lucky to have such an admirable person as my mom.Manisha had the sweetest dimples and impish sparkling eyes.But the fear filled eyes of that woman will remain in my mind for a long time to come.
**************************************************************************************************************So,we left in search of breakfast.The vadas were all sold out...it feels pathetic to have just plainidlis without vadas...but we had dosas to compensate and were off to "Modern Stores" to buy ooty chocolates.The home made Ooty chocolates are very popular and not without reason.the love women have for chocolates...is about the dark secrets...both hold in their bosom...A piece of chocolate never holds back....but opens her heart,unraveling secret by secret..just like a woman!Among chocolates,I love rum n' raisins and fruit n' nuts ...dark with generous amount of raisins-rich,mysterious...shades of dark...and a subtle flavor i never expected..adding the dash of unpredictability which appeals to my romantic heart.Rum n' raisins..has a more naughty flavor..whereas fruit n' nut has a open...cheerful taste.I buy packets of rum n'raisins,fruit n' nut,strawberry marzipan,fig n' honey,roasted almond chocolate(for my bro).....and leave with a smug smile on my face.Its drizzling again.The mist is so thick,Visibility is zero.The song"Must have ben love" by roxette is playing in our car stereo.The mist,lichens covered trees-trees so tall...that they can touch the high heavens if they were to stand on their toes! Then the song "Casablanca" begins to play...the very beauty of the moment and the tenderness in the song makes me want to cry.Then we stop near a small tea stall and order garam chai.These small stalls on the roadsides have a charm of their own.This place where we stop..has shaky wooden tables...which were wet with the drizzle.we see a man with an umbrella...selling carrots.he would have made a very good photo!We bought a few carrots-they looked like grubby fingers of a fat orange child!!!...we clicked snaps in the mist..had our chai..and started downhill.
***************************************************************************************************As we get down the hill of ooty,I notice a tourist bus,with its windows open and mesmerized faces having their first look at the majestic nilgiris..the magic of the place almost tangible.I see a newly wed couple,heads bent towards each other lost in their appreciation of beauty.Love always makes our appreciation of beauty sharper.I put my head out of the window..and look at these lovely blue-green mountains...her tall trees and her small lake at her foothills.The small lake must be a pool of her tears..shed in memory of the people who visit her,fall in love with her beauty and then leave her!!!Maybe just the way we love her...she too must love us..she too must miss us just the way we miss her.But for me,she will never shed a tear...coz she knows I surrendered my heart at her dainty feet long time back- my love for her eternal and as true as her beauty itself. ************************************************************************************************************We headed towards kallathi hills with its 32 hairpin bends.Kallathi hills is the perfect nightmare for a lousy driver.The mist,the narrow bends and tricky curves....can unnerve even seasoned drivers.We were traveling inside the clouds...and anytime the mist cleared the view was breath-taking.The roads werelined with big bright yellow flowers...and I wonder what it is about flowers that moves me so.Flowers are living proof that God must be a painter...with a keen eye for beauty.The world would still go on if there were no flowers...but this world...needs beauty...flowers are poems penned by God.Tagore once wrote"The first flower was an invitation for the first unwritten song!" As long as beauty moves us..humanity is safe.Flowers ...are signatures left behind by fairies.
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We are tracing our way back to mysore and as if skies had heard my thoughtsof yesterday... had planned for me an orange sun set.It was as though the plains were imploring me to love and appreciate their brand of beauty as well.The plains are different....stretches of gold...paddy fields ready for harvest..and some times the paddy already cut..as though fairies had their hair cut there(whats with fairies and this gal,u wonder;) )...and had left their golden tresses..on the fields...some paddy fields swaying in the breeze...and i see pools of water caused becoz of heavy rains.There is a borewell which is submerged..and somehow the sight of a borewell in the middle of a pool makes me throw my head back and laugh..don't ask me why!!!************************************************************************************************************while coming back,we listened to Dylan's "wanna be friends with you".this song has a vulnerability to it.How admirableit is to be able to bring in so much feeling into words.Words will always be just drab shadows of the real emotions..but they do have their own appeal.Hidden behind a word or a phrase is sometimes a whole world of smiles,laughter..tears..and secret love stories.Listening to a song...have you ever wondered what made them pen those lines?I weave crazy romantic stories around a song...and am heartbroken when I get back to know the sometimes very banal and drab history of a song.I like the open roads..and also the speed at which my friend drives.I love looking from the back of the car...the disappearing view..the road seemingly moving back..and i think at 23, how old I am...probably eleven!*************************************************************************************We reach mysore..welcomed back by a warm hug by my brother....can feel his welcome in that hug..which pleasesI still have to travel to blore...I decide to take the 5 O' clock,instead of my usual 3.45 train.I relish the home cooked food of avrekaal-badnekaai huli and thick curds...and i leave for the station.I see a long queue and I change my mind...and decide to take the 6 O' clock.So had to spend more than oneand a half hour in the railway station.I found a benchand indulge in what i love the most-look at people around me....building crazy stories around them(I can build crazy stories around anything).Smiling people are a rarity nowadays.I see glum facesfaces everywhere....i see a lot of IT guys waiting to return to blore.I recognize a few faces from my college..but not anyone who was worth taking thetrouble of talking to.The train slowly chugged into the station and we all rush to save ourselves a seat.A part of me stands apart from this ruckusand looks at me fighting among others for a seat...This is something i love about India..we cant help beingcompetitive about everything...we have to fight about everything.Even getting a seat is like a war for us,we have to win at any cost.I get myself a seat and then hear a lady and a guy fight about a seat...she was getting hysterical and screaming at the top of her lungs andsaying something about gentlemen being extinct.I couldnt help giggle in excitement...another Indian thing.We love witnessing fights and take immense pleasure out of the most idiotic of fights.I settled down comfortably in my window seat..and notice this one guy who decided to be the official do-gooder for the journey.He got seats for everyone...smiled non-stop(for once i preferred the glum faces;) ) and spoke nonstop.I was in no mood to socialize....my lungs still full of fresh nilgiri air and my eyes still clouded with the ooty mist.But he was the persistent kind..he offered me peppermint,banana...pomegranate..and made statements like"i dont vote!!!"and considered himself to be very amusing.I refused the peppermint and the banana but had to accept the pomegranate,as I was getting the "how rude can u get,gal?" looks from co-passengers...and also i like pomegranates;)*************************************************************************************************************
I sit beside the window and look outside.I travel the same route every weekend.The old bridge ...river Cauvery looking mysterious and alluring in the fading light.The dusk falls...the intensity of the light altering the beauty of things around us.Darkness gives the air of mystery...a subtle charm,while light gives them a bright vivacity.Darkness takes away the unimportant details,and makes one look at only what matters.....and on the other hand seems like lady light believes that the divine lies in the details.Traveling in a train,gives one the opportunity to be the spectator...forget that we are a part of this crazy play too...and take a step back and just ponder...From the window of a train...you are insulated...and can simply set your thoughts free!Be the critic of a play where the actors dont know that they are acting...and have no idea about the script.The train slowly chugged into the Blore railway station…and I get down..my beautiful weekend coming to an end.

The ingredients of my soul...

The ingredients of my soul...
3 tablespoons of fresh dew
4 teaspoons of a storm...
8 drops of salt water from the abyss of the bluest oceans
a bowl of rose petals...
a handful of clear sky...
a prismful sun rays...
the whiteness of an infant's eye
9 echoes...
a glimpse of star-studded sky...
11 1/2 lover's teardrops...
few melodious secrets wrapped in fine white muslin;
a half forgotten tune...
6 unreasonable demands
the fire inside the belly of a red-chilly..
the spirit of 16 wild horses.
7 white clouds
The sounds of april showers
the sweet smell of paarijaatha wafting in the night,
a million butterflies
The earthy smell of wet soil...
8 mischievous winks
A constellation of crazy dreams..
a scoop of morning mist
the soul of the color black...
the smile on the faces of white daisies
the perfect love song
a fervent prayer..
10 1/4 drops of icy rain
the flash of a baby lightning...
the carelessness of a brook
the poems in spring's heart...
one cool night breeze
one path of mayflower trees in bloom
seven pine trees..
the heady smell of eucalyptus..
the bite in black pepper...
the laughter of sunflower fields
3 twinkling stars
a half finished water color painting
a cup of magic dust
oodles of moonshine
the fierceness of a back alley cat
a pinch of madness
the swish of a gold fish's tail
10 pieces of dark chocolate
one prickly cactus
one undecipherable haiku...
a comet's tail
one Narcissus and one white lillyone
chinese fan and 100 ml of tamarind juice....
random excerpts of romantic poems
the hint of salt in a sea breeze
a nightingale's call of love
a few unbecoming frowns
the snug insides of a warm hug...
the tangy taste of mango pickle..
10 bubbles of causeless mirth
12 raisins , 4 cardamoms and 2 cloves
the sparkle on the lake's surface
the chit chat of crickets on a silent night...
the grace of an unicorn
the haunting songs of a mermaid's love for the moon
cacophony of absurd guffaws
a load full of gibberish...
Add all these content in bowl of full moon...
add a few falling stars for garnish....and simmer until golden brown!!!and lo!behold you have my soul all ready ;)

For the love of a book

There is a charm...a kind of soft thrill about holding a new book...and to slowly open it..wondering what new worlds you will visit...what part of you will you discover somewhere lost in the lines of the book...I am of the firm belief that each book that you ever come across..will leave you a changed person!maybe the change in you is minuscule..hardly noticeable..but a change ..there is ,of this fact there is no doubt....reading is the way to travel thru seven seas without moving even seven inches!!!The right kind of book can light your imagination...leaving you a changed person..opening to you a world of infinite possibilities!!And there are some magical books..which are nothing but mirrors which disclose that face of yours which you didnt know existed:).Opening a book is like opening the windows of your minds..so that your ideas like pigeons can fly in freedom!!!And some times its like pottery..where you build new thoughts..piece by lovely piece..with loving gentle hands..and sometimes its like painting in progress ...vivid,colorful brush strokes telling about long forgotten memories with each page turned...there have been a thousands of times..when I am reading about some character(sometimes real..many times fictional)..and suddenly I realize,that its me!!I am reading about myself written by someone who is blissfully unaware of my existence!!!I have sailed alongside pirates,faced rough seas,fallen in love with knights who fought deadly dragons in hope of pleasing their lady love....shared the thrill of discovering ancient treasures, felt fear running up my spine...when at last the killer is discovered,experienced the pain of heartache and the repercussions of being stupid( this while reading 100s of M&Bs:)),felt the creeping dread along with cold-war spies...every adventure,every emotion,every thrill in the comfort of my reading chair..my feet tucked under my old razaai..and more often than not..a steaming cup of tea,keeping me company!!!And it sometimes happens that books become doors to a new phase in your life..Enid Blyton was my stepping stone to childhood fantasies(I was crazy abt her books on Mallory towers).I had(still do..but now covered in a quilt of dust) an exhaustive collection of all her books.I distinctly remember when in 8th standard,my mom gave me my first romance novel..a 50 page book called"A girl like Liz".To me it will remain one of the most beautifully written books and dear to heart.Its nostalgic..becoz it triggered my transition from a lolly-pop loving child to a girl (who still loves lolly-pop)but who, also houses in her a hundred million dreams!!!You may wonder whats so great abt this book..well,actually nothing!!its a typical boy meets gal..they hate each other..and then they fall in love and all's well that ends well!!!But now when i look back...i see that the beauty of this book lies in its simplicity...in the first 10 pages,the author etches her characters so well,you feel that you have known them all your life...and they remain loyal to their nature till the very end!!!Sometimes I wonder,what if i had chosen a trashy book as my first one?!?!...may be i would have been a different person now!!!Or maybe today i wouldnt have been in a situation to claim to be the proud owner of a vast collection of books!!!In many ways this book was my "tipping point"(as Malcom Gladwell would say)..and i only have my Mom to thank for ...her wisdom in giving me a book which was simple..and also a perfect example of how a book should be written!!Now i have read great love stories like"Pride and prejudice","Far from the madding crowd","Sense and sensibility","Persuasion","These old shades,"Beauvallet","The devils' cub"(yes!i am a major fan of Georgette Heyer)...but I always pick up this old 50 odd page book..from this unknown author..whenever real experiences hurt me,or I am feeling disillusioned with matters of heart...or my picture of love starts looking less rosy.. and this books never fails to repair my rose-tinted glasses...it gently soothes ...takes away all my worries..put my rose tinted glasses back on my nose and whispers gently"my silly lil gal,of course,love is for real!"!!! dream away!!!

The unshed tear

Bangalore is beautiful in the early morning hours....Its like looking at loud pesky kid..sleeping peacefully...looking all innocent..and sweet!!And today it was raining...looking at the wet empty roads..it was impossible to imagine that the same city would be bustling with traffic..dust and noise in a few hours time...and i stand aside(actually i am sitting in my bus..its almost 7am) and drink in the beauty of this sleeping city.As if they had an insight into my thoughts,they started playing"Aasman ke .." from Rockford...what a wistful song..i wonder who wrote the lyrics..whether they really felt that way..or he had arranged a few words to sell a song!!!I drink in the beauty..and oddly i feel sad..not sad..just melancholic.I rest my head against the glass window and stare outside...feeling bleak inside..and the outside world seemed like a reflection of my state of mind....i see rain drops streaming down on the other side of the glass window..and i wonder whether Gods are crying for me....i don't know..but i have no tears left to shed.The feeling of emptiness washed over me all again.I look at the flowers fallen on the roadsides..all wet and soggy....i feel their pain...it must have hurt them so much to b shed...as if they did not matter..but somehow they added to the beauty of the whole scene with their orange hues.Did the flowers on the ground envy those still blooming in the branches..or do they pity the flowers on the branches knowing that their tomorrow too will end in a sad note!Somehow i am unable to shed the air of helplessness which has engulfed my life from a few days..cant really say i am trying to either....I am smiling and cheerful..talking to people..and in between these bursts of smiles and words..i can sense a deep unhappiness..i know it will go away...but till it does..I am trying to understand the emotion which is this painful..i guess its a part of growing.
" ek roz zindagi ke rubaaru aabaithe
Zindagi ne poocha dard kya hai?
kyon ho tha hai?kaha hotha hai yeh bhi tho patha nahi chaltha!
tanhai kya hai,aakhir?
kitne log tho hai yaha par,phir tanha kyon ho?
mere chehra dekh kar zindagi ne kaha
mein tumhari judwaa hoon
mujhse naaraz na huva karo"

Gulzar when he wrote those lines...must have felt exactly the way i am doing now..and my answer to Zindagi is same as his "Tujhse Naraaz nahi zindagi...hairaan hoon mein!..tere masoom sawaalon se pareshaan hoon mein!"Life is not like our dreams..we realize that we cant have a dream and cut it to size....and that hurts!The rain beats down...washing away the remnants of yesterday from the streets..i wish it would wash this emptiness from my heart..but no such luck!!!If only i could find out..whats that which is troubling me so much..I would be freed from its hold.We speed through the empty roads...and i open the window and i put my hand out and hold my palm out ...take some rain drops..and splash it on my face....the cold..fresh water..feels good streaming down my face:)i smile....and i know all is not lost!!!

Where art thou,sweet stranger?

Where are you?This game of hide and seek...is beginning to worry me....I always thought you were nearby...very close...being elusive to torment me....every turn of the road..I expected to see you...and I lazed away hours wondering about teeny-weeny details about you.. like how you would crinkle your nose when something displeased you..or the way your eyes would darken with anger...and how you would throw your head back and laugh at my silliness!There are nights when I stare at the star filled sky...and take heart from the fact..that wherever you are..you are under the same starry sky:)I have been waiting for u from a long time...I have seen some strangers...who have eyes like yours...or a smile...similar to yours...but they are not YOU!!!Every romantic song I hear...reminds me of your absence from my side....I have my friends laughing at me sometimes...they think u do not exist....and there are times when I myself wonder whether I am being a fool..waiting for you......am i?But then I console myself..that there must be a heart beating somewhere which listens to the same song as I do...but my dear man..will I meet u..ever?Are u as eager as I am ..about me...or the cruel world has made u cynical and have u stopped weaving dreams...and making wishes?Every time u decide to occupy and dominate my thoughts..I invariably end up humming these lines--
"In the wee small hours of the morning
While the whole wide world is fast asleep
You lie awake and think about the boy
And never ever think of counting sheep
When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be his if only he'd call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss him most of all"

It seems such a folly(though I admit a very sweet one!) to miss someone u have never met.....I saw u in every page of Richard Bach's "The Bridge Across Forever"...but when is that u will come into my life...the wait is most tormenting!!!
Hammari zindagi bahut lambi hai...aur hamaare paas waqt bahut kam hai
Every monsoon comes empty-handed...the autumn sheds her leaves in silent agony and the winter sighs solemnly....looking at me still walking alone!Every beautiful sight I behold..every beautiful song that falls on my ears...makes me wonder.....when is the time..when(also whether) I get to share such beauty with u?why don't u give me some cue at least...do something to give me hope...like meet me????come home soon...I am waiting!!!!

Lost between lines

I look at my palm...and see the thin lines criss-crossing around...and I wonder....whether there is any truth in palmistry...whether these tiny lines are to rule and decide everything for me...my job,my career,my happiness...wealth..contentment..EVERYTHING!I sometimes...ask them to share their secrets with me...to give me a glimpse of what my future looks like....and they seem to smile wickedly at me and say...nothing at all:( I wonder about their heartlessness..in keeping me in such suspense!Is it not a thing to wonder that these lines are so different in each person's hands...I wonder who draws them!...imagine a fairy flying down...smilingly unclasping the closed palm of each unborn kid... and writing cryptic messages in fairy language!I touch the mount of venus(base of the thumb)...which is supposed to determine our love life...and wish I could see..whats in store for me in that department ;)I remember the lyrics of a hindi film song..
"Jab bhi thaama hai tera haath tho dekha hai,
log kehethe hai ke bas haath ki rekha hai...
hamne dekha hai do takdeeron ko judthe huve"
What mesmerizing words!oh!tell me dear lines..whom are u going to bind me with?But then,I also remember these sad lines.."rekhavon ka khel hai muqaddar,rekhavon se maath kha rahi ho! How disheartening to know that we are going to be beaten by these delicate lines sprawled on our own palms! that I guess is a very pessimistic way of looking at life..Few people believe that everything is destiny..but I guess its more like a divine master plan....call it the big picture if you like...but every human being in this world is given the will to decide what happens to him...if not the situations themselves...we can always decide how we tackle them :)So,there are a few people..who are not as talented..or skilled..but by their sheer will power conquer unknown worlds..and rule them!I watch the squares,the triangles,the islands(circular designs)...crosses.....my heart line.. like the half moon..curved...like a smug smile..I..feel that they are asking me to smile and live for the moment and let them take care of the future..and I guess thats the best way to lead one's life;).

why the name?

I am sure one or the other person will ask why and what is nydile!So this note...
Nydile in kannada means "blue lotus"


Here are some amusing details about that flower.
Botanical name: Nymphaea caerulea (I know,none of you would care to know about the botanical name...I just wanted to sound geeky;) )
Called a 'lotus',it is the depiction of the floral symbol of Upper Egypt which is actually known today to be a water lily. This flower, along with the papyrus flower, was shown throughout Egypt in tombs and temples to symbolize the union of Upper and Lower Egypt, but the blue water lily had a much deeper significance to the Egyptian people.
In the beginning were the waters of chaos ... Darkness covered the waters until
The... the Primeval Water Lily rose from the abyss.
Slowly the blue water lily opened its petals to reveal a young god sitting in its golden heart.
A sweet perfume drifted across the waters and light streamed from the body of this Divine Child to banish universal darkness.
This child was the Creator, the Sun God, the source of all life.
So the Primeval Water Lily closed its petals at the end of each day...
Chaos reigned through the night until the god within the water lily returned...The... the Creator ... knew that he was alone. This solitude became unbearable and he longed for other beings to share the new world with him. The thoughts of the Creator became the gods and everything else which exists. When his thoughts had shaped them, his tongue gave them life by naming them. Thoughts and words were the power behind creation.
-- The Waters of Chaos, Ancient Society
The god of the blue water lily was Nefertem, a god not just linked to the sun but to beautification and healing. It was he who brought a water lily to the sun god Ra, to help ease the suffering of his aging body. The perfume of this flower was not only pleasing to the Egyptians, but they saw it as healing as well. Scenes show women holding the water lily and people being offered the flower at parties, smelling its divine fragrance.
Enough of geeky stuff!!