The unshed tear

Bangalore is beautiful in the early morning hours....Its like looking at loud pesky kid..sleeping peacefully...looking all innocent..and sweet!!And today it was raining...looking at the wet empty roads..it was impossible to imagine that the same city would be bustling with traffic..dust and noise in a few hours time...and i stand aside(actually i am sitting in my bus..its almost 7am) and drink in the beauty of this sleeping city.As if they had an insight into my thoughts,they started playing"Aasman ke .." from Rockford...what a wistful song..i wonder who wrote the lyrics..whether they really felt that way..or he had arranged a few words to sell a song!!!I drink in the beauty..and oddly i feel sad..not sad..just melancholic.I rest my head against the glass window and stare outside...feeling bleak inside..and the outside world seemed like a reflection of my state of mind....i see rain drops streaming down on the other side of the glass window..and i wonder whether Gods are crying for me....i don't know..but i have no tears left to shed.The feeling of emptiness washed over me all again.I look at the flowers fallen on the roadsides..all wet and soggy....i feel their pain...it must have hurt them so much to b shed...as if they did not matter..but somehow they added to the beauty of the whole scene with their orange hues.Did the flowers on the ground envy those still blooming in the branches..or do they pity the flowers on the branches knowing that their tomorrow too will end in a sad note!Somehow i am unable to shed the air of helplessness which has engulfed my life from a few days..cant really say i am trying to either....I am smiling and cheerful..talking to people..and in between these bursts of smiles and words..i can sense a deep unhappiness..i know it will go away...but till it does..I am trying to understand the emotion which is this painful..i guess its a part of growing.
" ek roz zindagi ke rubaaru aabaithe
Zindagi ne poocha dard kya hai?
kyon ho tha hai?kaha hotha hai yeh bhi tho patha nahi chaltha!
tanhai kya hai,aakhir?
kitne log tho hai yaha par,phir tanha kyon ho?
mere chehra dekh kar zindagi ne kaha
mein tumhari judwaa hoon
mujhse naaraz na huva karo"

Gulzar when he wrote those lines...must have felt exactly the way i am doing now..and my answer to Zindagi is same as his "Tujhse Naraaz nahi zindagi...hairaan hoon mein!..tere masoom sawaalon se pareshaan hoon mein!"Life is not like our dreams..we realize that we cant have a dream and cut it to size....and that hurts!The rain beats down...washing away the remnants of yesterday from the streets..i wish it would wash this emptiness from my heart..but no such luck!!!If only i could find out..whats that which is troubling me so much..I would be freed from its hold.We speed through the empty roads...and i open the window and i put my hand out and hold my palm out ...take some rain drops..and splash it on my face....the cold..fresh water..feels good streaming down my face:)i smile....and i know all is not lost!!!