three's company too

As I see it...there are two kinds of good friends…the ones with whom you can sit and talk , confide, discuss and pretend you are mature and the ones with whom you can have unadulterated fun... the kind of friendships untouched by maturity and sensible behavior!

Vijay and I have known each other for over 14 years. I can honestly say that our friendship as been pure fun and has not been assailed by any kind of seriousness! Subodh was mainly Vijay’s friend but he is the funniest person I have ever known. During my Bangalore days, we used to hang out together and God…was it fun!

Let me give some history about our convoluted friendship and the kind of nonsense we passed off as jokes…

Once when we had been to a trek…some villager naively asked whether we (Subodh and me) were “ganda-hendthi” (couple)! So we shamelessly agreed and decided that Vijay who was roaming around in shorts like an overgrown fat kid…was our mentally retarded child. This led Vijay to give a very filmy rendition of what he thought would look like a mentally retarded kid’s antics.

Vijay and Subodh were best buds...kind of like Joey and Chandler. They went to Kerala on Valentine’s Day and called me up to say that they were watching Noting hill together. So I dubbed them “pati-patni” and the fake relationship got more screwed.

So most of the jokes would consist of my ex-husband being the mistress of my mentally retarded kid…and from then on...our jokes got lamer...

Subodh used to call me “Nadira” as he had once seen me in a black gown and he considered me very vampish. He is the best mimic I have ever come across (no offence V)…he would imitate his lecturers and could crack me up anytime.

Once I had to meet these guys in front of Coffee day. While I was waiting for them, a very cute looking guy approached me and started talking to me. Just when I was about to smile and respond (those were the “desperately single” days)...these two guys who had just seen me talking to a guy...came lunging forward...and dragged me away! Before I could realize what was happening…I was 100 feet away from the cute guy...and the cute guy was looking scared. Subodh hissed “as long as we are single...we will not tolerate anyone else hooking up”.

I am guilty of the same crime. If I ever saw a pretty girl make eyes at Vijay (Vijay and me would hang out together a lot)...I would hold his hand and coo “lets go darling”...loud enough for the girl to get disappointed! We called this screwing up each other’s love lives “making famous”. (The idea was that if you had such a possessive partner...you must be a good catch...so you have the teeny weeny chance of becoming famous…yup, we led a pretty lame, “I-will-not-think-anything-sensible-if –I can-help-it” kind of existence.)

We would go to coffee day and hog. Once we had an argument about who should boot the bill. They tried unemployment as an excuse; I tried “I am a girl…I don’t pay bills” excuse…nothing would work. We would all sit there looking at empty space. Then Subodh…takes out a 5 rupee note and slams it on the table and says “That’s my share”…so I take out a 5 rupee note and so does Vijay. After the second round Subodh runs out of loose change and so places a strip of aspirin!

We even had an imaginary friend “pappu” who would pay all our bills .Every time the bill came we would scream “pappu dega”. Subodh included pappu in all our conversations…pappu was the shy kind you know...

Another time, there was a couple right beside our table...and the guy had bought the gal a gift...and was persuading her to accept it. So when the girl finally did...Subodh and I screamed “Thank you darling”. The couple got so embarrassed...that they soon left.

Vijay and I would often travel in the train to Mysore. This would involve a lot of eating and lot of pjs of the gross kind. Once we entertained everybody so much…that some guy offered us a drop home from the railway station (those jokes involved cooking, potty training and mustard sauce...so will not offend anyone by stating what it was)

Vijay would eat at least 3 masala dosas…lot of maddur vade (after some time you lose interest in counting)...and I would compete by guzzling down 6 or 7 cups of sugary chai.

We would have wrestling matches in our houses...The first time our parents saw us kicking each other…they tried to stop us. After that futile attempt...in all other wrestling matches they ignored us or discussed in hushed voice that I would win!

I made fun of Vijay’s eyebrows...he made fun of me never having enough space to sit...and well, Subodh made fun of everyone.

We would talk about hair removal, crushes…body parts…and why Vijay likes Diya Mirza! When I was going out...I would call up Vijay and ask him what I should wear...whether the neckline was too plunging...or the dress was too transparent. He was the gay friend I craved for...without being gay.

Vijay always had new gossip to spread...and if he didn’t have any...he would cook it up. Once when we were in Tamil Nadu...some drunkard commented on my friends in Tamil. It being something derogatory…some righteous guy started beating the drunkard. Vijay suddenly gets up and screams “haaki saar…haaki…” (Loose translation -"beat! Sir, beat"; literal translation-"lay...sir lay")

Few days back Vijay and I took a scientology test as I had locked us out of my house. Vijay randomly checked on the options...and when the results came out he was found to be clinically depressed. Shamelessly he went on to narrate his bleak sad story to that silly woman!I have always maintained that its great fun to act foolish. To write about all the fun times I had with those two guys...I would have to open a new blog. So, I will not say anything sentimental...but I will sign off with this lame joke…

Once when we were traveling in KSRTC bus…it was night and the main lights were off. People who have traveled in KSRTC buses will know that there are dim red lights which are on during nights. The bus was crowded and many people were standing. There was a bald guy standing right below the red bulb.

Vijay prods me and says “Take a look at red light area”.