when the boor met the bore

NOTE: After I came out of the movie hall…I reached home..and started writing this review..but after a while got so bored recollecting the movie..gave up on the idea..and went to bed reading H2G2.

But due to popular demand and a few requests from friends..I have written my opinion on this.

It is not so detailed as the fanaa write up…as nothing in the world is worth recalling something so dull and insipid…SRK scowls…Rani sulks…Aby baby-swaggers and Pretty-smiles around..thats all that happens in the movie!!! the whole movie is about characters which are suffering from emotional diahorrea and intellectual constipation(forgive my most unlady like expression)!!!

So…the story begins-

Once upon a time…in the faraway place of glitterland they lived a boor and a bore. This glitterland was full of filthy rich la-la people…that is people who break into the song and dance routine at the drop of a hat….and live in mansions big enough to house the whole state of karnataka!!!

Yes..no points for you on guessing what I am talking about…It’s about the magnum opus of Karan Johar..the coming of age movie…and all that blah blah!! “Kabhi Alvida na kehna”..

Now as usual….a list of the main characters-

SRK- Boor, mean old Langda…

Rani- Bore, tear tap.. suffering from “I did a blind role; so I am a great actress” syndrome

Amitabh Bachan -That weird thing in red coats with fur strappings, wanna-be Puff Daddy ,fashion conscious santa…

Preity-That thing in minis..who spends the entire movie making over the top statements or working mom who never cares..who is never there(unless it’s a party)..who is a criminal because she is successful in her career.

Abhishek Bachan-The only character approaching decency.

A bespectacled kid which has a permanent expression of someone who feels something crawling up their backside: boor’s son

Kirron Kher-The mom..who mysteriously turns up at every party.

Before I tear this movie to shreds…here are some nice things about this movie..

1.I like the idea…It was a thing I always wondered about-What if you compromise and marry someone and then meet your true love!

2.Abhishek Bachan has put life into his character…and makes you feel really feel sorry for him…When all that you want is to beat the brains out of the rest of the characters..thats saying a lot.

3.Some nice senti dialogues from BigB

4.SRK is not trying to be sugarrrry sweet Farishta….which is in a way good.

5.The point of view presented..its like watching Sholay from Gabbar’s perspective-wherein the main protagonists don’t invoke sympathy from you but utter contempt.

6.The AB and Kirron Kher scenes.

Now…to the review-

The movie is long and boring..so don’t expect to the review to be succinct and simple..

A smart idea doused in an ocean of glycerin and full of long faces…commands full time bashing..

Now the Movie opens up with the introduction of the 4 main characters-Ria the overconfident, Rishi the party boy….Dev the old soccer boy and Maya the long face.

Before I start making falooda of the non-existent story..lets take a look at these four characters…

Dev-KJ, by changing SRK’s name from Rahul to Dev thinks that he is giving SRK a totally different kind of role to play. Dev is nothing like the farishta we saw in kal ho na ho.He scowls..and grimaces…and curses in between stuttering…I bet SRK’s backache was acting up..if not, to scowl so consistently is humanely not possible.

Maya-I would hate any character named Maya(next only to pooja)..but this Maya is special because she goads you to murder with her sullens.She is eternally sad..complains about not having kids and vacuums non stop. Rani after black has lost all her vitality as she has convinced herself that she is the “actress”.

Ria: this character had so much scope..but Kj decides to let her be the mini-skirt wearing head of some magazine called Diva…and she is there only for dancing with AB baby.

Rishi-though Aby baby does a credible job..and is the only character which seems appealing…the good boy act is sometimes too diabetic in its sweetness and he makes puppy eyes too often!!!

Ok..now to the story….or something like that-

It’s a big football match..and you see a guy with a red bandana..running..tackling and then there is a goal..and that’s how SRK is introduced. When I make a movie I will introduce my hero as someone who is washing his car or cleaning his ear while watching the TV.

Its also Maya’s wedding and she is roaming around with a long face….Now If you were me..you would be doing somersaults with happiness to be marrying Aby Baby..but this gal hangs her lip down..and makes you wonder whether she is gonna trip over her own long face! You see…glycerin runs in Maya’s veins…

Anyways..On her wedding day….while she sits on a park bench and wonders whether she should marry Rishi or not..Dev who comes to pick up his mom…happens to spot her.

While he tries to throw this chewing gum..she reprimands him telling him that she has cleaned the whole lawn just now…A gal who chooses to spend the day of her wedding cleaning lawns!!!!

Anyways..SRK gives her some nonsense advice abt marrying after which one is tortured with the typical KJ scene..the hero and heroine walk away from each other…which is a hint to the audience that this is a metaphor of the whole movie and the they are probably gonna repeat this scene till fungus sprouts from your brains!

After he walks out totally forgetting about the mom he had to pick ..SRK is hit by a car..and hence loses his $5 million contract…and turns into this sarcastic boor..who has more spikes than a porcupine in a bad mood.

On the other hand…his overconfident wife Ria..is the most successful of women and works for No.2 best selling magazine Diva and has a giant puppy..running around her with its tongue hanging out…that puppy by the way is Arjun Rampal..Either Mehr beats him or that guy is suffering from some serious disease…he looks pathetic!

After 4 years…the movie fast forwards to show SRK hamming his way…criticizing everything and everone.Srk-I love you….adore you and all that…but you need to stop hamming-you are not Kareina Kapoor; You are/were a good actor.For future references about playing the grumpy handicapped go watch “cat on a hot tin roof”.

On the other side of the story…Maya lies down like a dead log to the physical advances of Rishi. She cleans…and is as dull as a school teacher can be.

After many blah blahs..the boor and the bore meet…and again share their miseries….SRK terrorizes his son…but once he meets his bore the boor…just forgets everything and sits and talks nonsense with her.

Kuck Kuch hota hai has always been among the top 5 movies I hate..and the kind of humor employed in KJ movies makes me vomit(throw up is the decent version..but I want to vomit..not throw up!)…So the boor and bore are to meet in a so called funny situation of the “black beast”…where our whining bore confuses dev to be the black beast and the boor in turn hits her head with ball. Now, once my brother had hit me with a tennis ball in the head…and it had hurt for 2 weeks. And our Maya doesn’t even have a major concussion….that’s what she was- thickskulled!!!

Maya the bore keeps telling every three minutes that she hates Dev the boor..but there she is…getting drenched in the rain and asking him to be her friend while she salvages her marriage. Why would you ask someone you dislike to help you win your partner back? So there is some attempt at some cheap laughs..about boor giving a massage to his tired wife and the bore turning up with a whip..What she didn’t realize was if she had kissed him back..when he kissed her..it would have sufficed. Its not logical…If he were bored with her…ya, makes sense but the guy is going gaga about you. Why try to seduce someone who is already lattoo over you??? Lady,just reciprocate!

But then expecting KJ characters to be logical is like expecting Ram gopal verma’s characters to be sane!

Anyways..after many blah blahs later….there is intermission and you get up thinking that there would be new species which would have evolved..civilizations perished…rain forests destroyed in this amount of time…and its still interval!!! you can also wonder when the story will start..but I would call you dumb to expect anything approaching a story in KJ movie..Its all about emotions man!

Ya..along with emotions its also about Manish Malhotra and Sharmisihta Roy! But what strikes you is why Amitabh Bachan is dressed like a rap singer of the cheapest variety!!! Fur coats…and for heavens sake..glasses with red frames???

Amitabh…may be an icon and may have oodles of class..but no one..I say no one..not even Cary grant or Humphrey Bogart can carry of the combination of red frames and fur coats!!!!

So…the movie starts again..nothing much changes…Dev and Maya keep meeting each other..and slowly fall in love….and there is one scene..which I have to talk about…

There is one scene where Dev is waiting for Maya holding a bouquet of roses ..and at the same time Ria also comes in the same direction. She has just left him a message about making up. Now Dev is unaware..of this….Maya and Ria are walking up to him..each unaware of the other….Baby! why..i almost died of the…..foolishness!!!!

The height of absurdity to expect your audience to be riveted by such a scene…why wouldn’t I know that an acquaintance is walking beside me..or would I not notice if my spouse is walking up to me? KJ …there is something called peripheral vision..ask some optician friend of yours what it means!

There is another scene which would compete for sheer silliness(there are many..but these two stand out)..

There is this dinner party arranged on Kirron Kher’s birthday..where SRK makes an announcement about him falling in love with Maya..and then when everybody is very shocked…he says it was a joke!!!! man!! of all the pathetic scenes added to create illusionary tension..this is the most crude!!!!

But the winner of the “most irritating thing about the movie” award is surely the background music every time Amitabh comes on screen.."Sexy Sam..Sexy Sam…Wham!bam!Thank you,Sam!!”

Who comes up with such pig-wash????

In fact the movie goes at a crawly pace…where nothing ever happens…ya while Aby baby and preity boogey in the dance floor…SRK and Rani are “doing it”. Rani gives the blank black look..and SRK looks as if he has forgotten what they do in the bedroom….and all you are thinking is whatever happened to the chemistry between Rani and SRK. The only saving grace is that they don’t look as uncomfortable as Kajol and Aamir(But then SRK and Rani..didn't have Ajay Devgan to worry about)

Many things happen including the two protagonists walking away from each other a hundred times and the death of the fur monster becoz they couldn’t kill any more furry animals to cloth his 6 feet body.After this the bore and the boor finally decide that they should end their illicit relationship and go back to their partners. After that they do a very dumb thing…confide about their relationship to their spouses…as expected they are kicked out by their respective spouses…and as any other KJ character they just move into super posh houses..

Maya has a white house with chandeliers..and she is just a school teacher..and she is still going around with a sad face..thinking boor is happy with his mini-skirt wife and vice versa.

So again..Aby baby overdoing his “look at me..I am so good! please like me more than Hrithik” asks her to come to his wedding and in the process there is a dialogue baazi between Maya and Ria…where she finds out that Dev is going off to Canada and she has 15 mins.

In 15 mins she comes to the Railway station ..and starts searching for her langada lover.The langda lover having the analytical capacities of a paramecium doesn’t wonder why she has come searching for him..but simply hides from her…

But she searches for him and they have some nonsensical talk after which they embrace..and the lights turn on…just when you are about to scream “I will confess everything! Just stop this please”…

This movie breaks your heart…becoz it is a good idea…and the mess they have made of it..makes you understand why people go on killing spree.

You know, you feel nothing for the protagonists..because not even for a single moment do you think that what they share is something special. The fault did not lie in their relationships..the fault was in their characters. When you see them…you know for sure…they will never be happy… whoever they end up with becoz they don’t like themselves.

SRK,AB,AB baby,Preity seem intelligent enough..why did they let KJ do this? Are they not bored of doing the same thing again and again…

What were they thinking? OOPS!…wrong question…what I wanted to ask was “will they ever start thinking??”

But still after seeing this 3.5 hour saga and listening to Sonu Nigam croon in what he thinks is a very soulful voice as I sign off…I have only one thing to say-“I haaaaaaate Fanaa!”