A putz

I stumble across the laptop cable and Saif goes “You are the real Bridget Jones!!!”

I skid on the kitchen floor and empty all the dry fruits on Saif’s lap and he goes “you are the real Bridget Jones!”

I open the car door stylishly and hit the door against a sports car! Saif is banging his head against the shop entrance and hissing “BRIDGET JONES!”.

So, I went to the library and borrowed “The diary of Bridget Jones” and finished it in 1 day.

I found out my husband is correct…but only in parts.(luckily)

I don’t smoke or drink and never had a crush on my boss! (he was 50+, bald and drove really really slowly)

But then…even I have had the resolution of losing weight for like the past 20 years…my thighs give me the feeling that I have enough fat in me to feed all the third world nations and I constantly embarrass myself by failing to act smart.

I am a shy introvert who constantly feels clumsy but over the years who has mastered the art of playing “I am so smart and confident” act that sometimes I even fool myself. But when you are in a new country and you don’t know what people expect and moreover have trouble understanding their accent ….its very easy to lose the aura of confidence you have carefully built to cover your clay feet.

Only in my case, not just my feet but my entire body seems to be made of clay!!!

Like last Tuesday when we went to this small café…Saif asked me to place the orders. So I clench my fists( I find it very difficult to speak to strangers and very difficult to stop talking when among friends), take a deep breath and then turned to Saif and said” you come and stand beside me and hold my hands!”

So the poor thing obliged. So I walk up to the counter and say “one French onion and one Indian curry please” .She is a Mexican with a very bland look, which makes it very difficult for me to read what she is thinking! She typed something and then asked “bowl or cup, ma’am?”

That’s easy, I think and say “cup please”,

I am so happy I didn’t order coffee as that is followed by nearly 109 questions.

She goes “both?”

I say “yes”

Now I am feeling confident enough to raid Europe..

And she goes “frHereoRtooogo?”

I gape… “frHereoRtooogo?”

I feel my pulse pounding…and the ground beneath my feet suddenly turning into a marsh where I am slowly drowning and I think did I ever read about a word called frHereoRtooogo!?!

By now, my reptilian brain has taken over…and simply makes me repeat “one French onion and one Indian curry please”.

I hear Saif giggling and he clears his throat and says “for here!”.

I am thinking “oh! God..no, not again…she will tell the other waitresses and they all will laugh at me…they will tell it to their children and they will tell it to their friends and in a week’s time the whole of California will be laughing at the poor Indian Bridget Jones who didn’t know “frHereoRtooogo?” meant “for here or to go?”

I feel like a putz.

No wonder most Americans end up on a shrink’s couch…if one has to answer so many questions just to order a cup of soup.

My husband is still laughing.