For many of us the most overwhelming day in our life is the day we realize our mediocrity. The realization is frightening and also in a way a relief; Frightening because it’s against what our ego wants us to believe and relieving to know that you will never be crushed by high expectations.

To know that you will never be the best thinker or writer, swimmer, performer…nothing! You are forever the person who’ll clap at other’s achievements…if that is not overwhelming...i don’t know what is! The only consolation is that you are in the company of most of humanity…

This depressing train of thought occurred to me when I was wondering what I want to do with my life! I am 24 years old...and I don’t have a plan. I do not know what I want to be!

I don’t even have the distinction of being the worst at anything either. Just average at everything!

I worked as an engineer for nearly three years where most people told me that I am wasting my talent. I agreed with them then...but if I were smarter I would have asked what ‘talent’ they were referring to.

I thought I could write….now, I am not sure. There are so many who write better than me. When I think I am being funny...people get offended. When I try to be imaginative….people simply doze off.

I love dancing. But one can’t become a gardener because they like gardening.Moreover I look like a square trying to move…so no! Dancing can be a hobby...not a vocation.

Many people who know me think I will do great in front end jobs...but people who know me well know it’s not true. I am awkward with people…and I constantly offend people with my straight talk.so that’s out too.

I can sing...but I'm no nightingale. I can paint…but i'm no Michealangelo…I can talk...but talking a lot doesn’t mean talking well.

I had read somewhere-

Though we all set out to conquer the peak…there comes a time when we stop for breath…take stock and realize that we may never make it to the top. Wisdom lies in not complaining and learning to appreciate the view you have and not envy the view someone else has.

Maybe I should heed my husband’s advice and become a dog walker.

Foreword:
Becoz of the overwhelming angry response from my readers, I would like to add these following notes
This post
-was a failed attempt to be funny.
-This is not the opinion of all women...just mine.When I use "women" I actually mean me(n a few gals I know).
-I have nothing against any guy(other than Timberlake and Upen Patel).When I mean women are nice I do not in anyway imply that men are in any way less nice.
-When I mean men..I actually mean men I know.There might be many men who hate cars and mechanics..n love pottery n cooking.I totally respect you and whatever it is you feel.
-This is not exactly high brow.Its not smart or imaginative or cool.Its slightly pretentious..but some pretension never hurt any one.


I am in a strange kind of dilemma. However much I pretend...the honest truth is that it does matter what people think of my posts. Anything surreal or descriptive...Vasuki freaks out. Anything which is not dreamy Saif yawns (loudly) while reading; I gave up poetry as I cant rhyme and anything related to my dance class offends people enough to make rude suggestions

So I have decided to just rant and throw some useless nuggets of feminine wisdom/facts/thoughts at you.So here it is-

Women don’t like adjustable chairs (I know two other girls who hate them along with me…so the generalization). In my office I was always afraid that the chair would suddenly collapse down. In fact I do not like anything which comes with screws. Anything mechanical, technical or electrical freaks me out. Of course there are some brave women who have overcome these fears...but I do not think they “enjoy” changing a bulb or fixing a carburetor. My husband loves staring at the insides of a car engine...and gazes at his tool kit as if it were a Van Gogh painting. I think that’s why women marry men…not having to change the fuse.


Women don’t like kids anymore than you do….ok! Some crazy women do. But mostly…we don’t. Of course when a baby gurgles…we find it adorable. But when they howl…we are just as terrified as any guy is. Impertinent kids get on our nerves as much as they get on yours. I have seen boys who expect girls to make cute faces at any kid which passes by. Women love their kids…not all kids. Period.


You have cricket, soccer, golf, baseball and video games. We have shopping. Let’s not be rude to each other.

Women are not dumb. If a girl scores better than you…of course she mugs up all the answers. A female gets a promotion; she must be sleeping with the boss. We beat you all at you own game and get you all to marry us and give us your credit cards. That’s pure genius!

A guy has many girl friends...oooh! He is a woman killer. Girl has many boy friends...she must be a slut. Double standards? You bet. That’s why we have our revenge by nagging and complaining of headaches.

Never ever praise someone else’s wife in front of yours. Better slash your own wrists. In fact don’t praise any woman in front of us (other than Mother Theresa and Oprah). In the book of “Things you should never do in front of your wife” this is next only to answering the question “Do I look fat?” with a yes or a pause!

We have resigned ourselves to the fact that you’ll never get over staring at other women. But drooling with your eyes popping out? Please refrain.

On a date...never
Tell us how sweet you are.
Crib about your ex.
Whine about how costly eating out is.
Stare anywhere below our neckline.
Lecture about nuclear physics.
Wear anything shiny and red.

Women like puppies. But not men who act like puppies. There is no bigger turn off than desperation. Don’t be cold either. Be interested and suave. Humphrey Bogart never drooled over a woman. That’s why he got kissed so many times.

For the love of God…cut your nails.

Now...I know most of you will comment saying that I am a feminist and I write mean things about men…just for the fun of it.

You are absolutely right.

train chronicles-10/12/2006

As I approach the end of my saga of weekend train travels..I am realizing that they have become a part of me...the times spent in the company of strangers-awkward glances...shy smiles exchanged..nosy questions...and the privilege of watching life speeding by from the insulation of a speeding train’s window!

Now I am more alert...more intent on not missing anything...

This sunday, on my way back...I was really late and reached the station just when it was 10 mins for departure. Luckily I immediately found a seat beside five nerdy looking guys...and my mom by that time bought me a hot cup of coffee.

I haven’t spoken of that ritual still..but we always have something to drink before the train leaves-its usually tea..but sometimes we even have coffee or hot badam milk. This week it was hot frothy strong coffee.

I think the smell of coffee is seductive....strong and I like the feel of hot frothy coffee down my throat. Coffee should be had in company and tea in solitude. As I gulp in the last sip..the train slowly moves..and I say a hurried bye to my mom.

I walk back to my seat and open my book about English History. I am unable to concentrate on the follies of King Richard as I see beautiful golden paddy fields from the window...and suddenly I realized-I have seen these fields when they were green and it was spring In short, I was like a witness to their existence..their passage thru this world! It might seem silly to most but somehow I was hit by that notion...they will be harvested..and same paddy is brought to our houses as rice and who knows...I might eat the rice from the same fields!

What I found beautiful...might also nourish me!

Golden yellow fields..looked like fields of gold...as if someone had collected all the sun rays and put them there...to cheer the travelers!

Inside the train..the 5 guys looked my age…I don’t know their names; so, we will call them imaginatively A,B,C D & F.

They were talking about Russian revolution and Second world war and how Stalin was egoistic....somehow that naive comment made me wonder...who amongst is not?

I had to really discipline myself against barging in the conversation wherein one guy was talking about everything but the one factor which decided the outcome of that foolhardy decision-Siberian Winter.

I tried concentrating on the study of house of Lancaster.... but failed.

The warmth of a lively conversation was something one can hardly resist!

The talk veered towards communism and democracy and oh! how I love such topics!

All the guys were very quick and intelligent. One of them one was very passive and was reading the book "Tao of physics" and responded only when someone pulled his leg.

He was leaving for the US and was already in love with that country.

Among the remaining four two guys were the kind who held very strong opinions-one towards everything and the other two were just intelligent guys(C & D) who flowed like river..whoever provided the most fetching opinion, they would support him.

Sometimes just pure plain intelligence lets you down against sheer will power or excellent communication skills.Now the guy who was supporting communism(A) was just playing with words and though the guy supporting Democracy(B) had very legitimate ideas was not able to express him self very well. As I was listening intently to their arguments about the corrupt India and how undeserving we are of democracy(and freedom)..suddenly I heard a girl's voice...clear and crisp-"Maybe what we should be talking about is not freedom but liberty! A society where in people are not only aware of their rights but also their duties. India is still young if we consider the number of years we have been our own rulers..and we are learning. And when we get there..we will be a nice and decent place to live in!"

An embarrassing silence followed....in which I realized that voice belonged to me!!!! I felt my cheeks burning...and tried to recall if I had ever read about making oneself invisible!

The only saving grace was that the guys were too embarrassed themselves to react in any which way or mind my rude intrusion...and they did a very smart thing..they dropped the topic-maybe to be discussed when strange females didn’t voice their opinions as if they were some wise old aunts who had rights to barge into stranger’s conversations! And in turn,I nose dived into my history book and kept my head bent for the rest of the journey.

At the same time another guy joined them..he used to attend the same tuitions as I did...but he didn’t recognize me or pretended not to just the way I did..Anyways he was very popular for being a geek and also for his jokes which PETA wouldn’t approve of( for those frowning and wondering.. Anti-PETA: non-veg,below the belt kinda jokes)

After his entry one could say it was as if they collected all sensible conversations and threw them out of the windows and spoke silly things which usually make men so adorable. They discussed Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, American accent, getting drunk,nokia cells, state of Arizona, writing CAT and some lewd jokes(eg:whole thing kano... w-h-o-l-e thing!;) ) simultaneously.

A part of me was reading the rise of king Harry from the book in my lap and the other me..was basking in their conversation..her chin in the cup of her palms...laughing at their silly jokes..and adding my bit to their crazy conversations!

Then they decided to play "panja" and it was really hilarious....one guy making all excuses about why he lost and another making bad jokes about chemistry and biology!

After this, one guy tried to explain relativity and after convincing themselves that they were all younger than the people they left in mysore and they started discussing whether Indian alcohol can ever match up to foreign brands!

I could see the camaraderie amongst them...I don’t think they were the best of friends or anything like that...they were just guys who knew how to have fun together. And I wondered..what is that about middle age which kills this liveliness..this energy and the sparkle in the eye..takes away the smile from the eyes and instead places a frown on the eyebrows...Every phase of your life has its own set of worries..from learning alphabets to finding a girlfriend to maintaining a family. ..why then the way we deal with them changes so much?

I saw this grim picture of these guys as pot bellied, bald men...looking tired with sagging shoulders exchanging dreary stories about new cars and old wives..and I shuddered!

In fact the cynical me could already perceive the transition...they were already getting plump..some of them had a small pot belly...but the smiling faces were still there.

I just said a silent prayer for the beautiful youthful energy of these guys to be left untouched by passing years and growing worries or receding hair lines.

Well, then the train was really late...and one more train journey came to an end as I landed on the platform...but I hardly realized it then as I was running towards the pre-paid auto queue!

train chronicles-10/12/2006

As I approach the end of my saga of weekend train travels..I am realizing that they have become a part of me...the times spent in the company of strangers-awkward glances...shy smiles exchanged..nosy questions...and the privilege of watching life speeding by from the insulation of a speeding train’s window!

Now I am more alert...more intent on not missing anything...

This sunday, on my way back...I was really late and reached the station just when it was 10 mins for departure. Luckily I immediately found a seat beside five nerdy looking guys...and my mom by that time bought me a hot cup of coffee.

I haven’t spoken of that ritual still..but we always have something to drink before the train leaves-its usually tea..but sometimes we even have coffee or hot badam milk. This week it was hot frothy strong coffee.

I think the smell of coffee is seductive....strong and I like the feel of hot frothy coffee down my throat. Coffee should be had in company and tea in solitude. As I gulp in the last sip..the train slowly moves..and I say a hurried bye to my mom.

I walk back to my seat and open my book about English History. I am unable to concentrate on the follies of King Richard as I see beautiful golden paddy fields from the window...and suddenly I realized-I have seen these fields when they were green and it was spring In short, I was like a witness to their existence..their passage thru this world! It might seem silly to most but somehow I was hit by that notion...they will be harvested..and same paddy is brought to our houses as rice and who knows...I might eat the rice from the same fields!

What I found beautiful...might also nourish me!

Golden yellow fields..looked like fields of gold...as if someone had collected all the sun rays and put them there...to cheer the travelers!

Inside the train..the 5 guys looked my age…I don’t know their names; so, we will call them imaginatively A,B,C D & F.

They were talking about Russian revolution and Second world war and how Stalin was egoistic....somehow that naive comment made me wonder...who amongst is not?

I had to really discipline myself against barging in the conversation wherein one guy was talking about everything but the one factor which decided the outcome of that foolhardy decision-Siberian Winter.

I tried concentrating on the study of house of Lancaster.... but failed.

The warmth of a lively conversation was something one can hardly resist!

The talk veered towards communism and democracy and oh! how I love such topics!

All the guys were very quick and intelligent. One of them one was very passive and was reading the book "Tao of physics" and responded only when someone pulled his leg.

He was leaving for the US and was already in love with that country.

Among the remaining four two guys were the kind who held very strong opinions-one towards everything and the other two were just intelligent guys(C & D) who flowed like river..whoever provided the most fetching opinion, they would support him.

Sometimes just pure plain intelligence lets you down against sheer will power or excellent communication skills.Now the guy who was supporting communism(A) was just playing with words and though the guy supporting Democracy(B) had very legitimate ideas was not able to express him self very well. As I was listening intently to their arguments about the corrupt India and how undeserving we are of democracy(and freedom)..suddenly I heard a girl's voice...clear and crisp-"Maybe what we should be talking about is not freedom but liberty! A society where in people are not only aware of their rights but also their duties. India is still young if we consider the number of years we have been our own rulers..and we are learning. And when we get there..we will be a nice and decent place to live in!"

An embarrassing silence followed....in which I realized that voice belonged to me!!!! I felt my cheeks burning...and tried to recall if I had ever read about making oneself invisible!

The only saving grace was that the guys were too embarrassed themselves to react in any which way or mind my rude intrusion...and they did a very smart thing..they dropped the topic-maybe to be discussed when strange females didn’t voice their opinions as if they were some wise old aunts who had rights to barge into stranger’s conversations! And in turn,I nose dived into my history book and kept my head bent for the rest of the journey.

At the same time another guy joined them..he used to attend the same tuitions as I did...but he didn’t recognize me or pretended not to just the way I did..Anyways he was very popular for being a geek and also for his jokes which PETA wouldn’t approve of( for those frowning and wondering.. Anti-PETA: non-veg,below the belt kinda jokes)

After his entry one could say it was as if they collected all sensible conversations and threw them out of the windows and spoke silly things which usually make men so adorable. They discussed Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, American accent, getting drunk,nokia cells, state of Arizona, writing CAT and some lewd jokes(eg:whole thing kano... w-h-o-l-e thing!;) ) simultaneously.

A part of me was reading the rise of king Harry from the book in my lap and the other me..was basking in their conversation..her chin in the cup of her palms...laughing at their silly jokes..and adding my bit to their crazy conversations!

Then they decided to play "panja" and it was really hilarious....one guy making all excuses about why he lost and another making bad jokes about chemistry and biology!

After this, one guy tried to explain relativity and after convincing themselves that they were all younger than the people they left in mysore and they started discussing whether Indian alcohol can ever match up to foreign brands!

I could see the camaraderie amongst them...I don’t think they were the best of friends or anything like that...they were just guys who knew how to have fun together. And I wondered..what is that about middle age which kills this liveliness..this energy and the sparkle in the eye..takes away the smile from the eyes and instead places a frown on the eyebrows...Every phase of your life has its own set of worries..from learning alphabets to finding a girlfriend to maintaining a family. ..why then the way we deal with them changes so much?

I saw this grim picture of these guys as pot bellied, bald men...looking tired with sagging shoulders exchanging dreary stories about new cars and old wives..and I shuddered!

In fact the cynical me could already perceive the transition...they were already getting plump..some of them had a small pot belly...but the smiling faces were still there.

I just said a silent prayer for the beautiful youthful energy of these guys to be left untouched by passing years and growing worries or receding hair lines.

Well, then the train was really late...and one more train journey came to an end as I landed on the platform...but I hardly realized it then as I was running towards the pre-paid auto queue!

“I am a stranger I meet often!”

I recently turned 24…and I still feel that I am a gift unraveled…A gift given 24 years ago..I am still trying to unpack the gift…I do not know the person inside me..

I am amused, shocked, delighted, bewildered..amazed at her..but if you ask me to describe what she is really like..I can only shrug my shoulders and look at the sky!

Now don’t get me wrong…I don’t suffer from any multiple-personality disorders…its just that I don’t really know the person I am..

I catch glimpses of me…see my reflection in things I love…but what I am …or who I am..or why I do the things I do..the way I do them…I have no clue!

The reason I am writing this is that there is a constant thirst…I cannot seem to ignore the urge to know more about this person who resides in me and still manages to evade me! Sometimes I meet myself amidst having a perfectly reasonable argument about what “simplicity” means…sometimes I meet me in the soft wind which causes the leaves to flutter…or sometimes a sad country song creates the perfect background music to meet myself.

This is all getting a little confusing so I will refer to the person I am trying to discover as another person.

Back to the discussion, her favorite haunts seem to be books ; old books..books of poetry..pages filled with someone else’s thoughts and hopes seem to reflect the real me!

Its been a constant hide n seek..and she is a difficult person to play against…All I know about her is that she loves colors..she loves words..and she loves the feel of water…she is moved by sunsets…and likes the sounds of silence…but she loves moonlight the best.

She looks at me indulgently when I work myself into a frenzy about silly things…and I can feel her disapproval when I indulge in self doubt or on the times when I give in to the urge to brag (which as most people know..is pretty often;) )

She loves to feel the texture of things…and has a simple understanding of things around and seems untouched by the emotional tempests which hold me in their fervor..At times such as those..she walks off refusing to talk to me into green pastures at the back of my mind.

We are friends in a way…her aloofness sometimes hurt me..and I wish she would stick around when I ought to make decisions. She sleeps gazing at a star filled sky while get bored stuck in a dreary conversation….and when we listen to a song she is transported into the realm of that song..while I stuck in this physical body feel left back..

She sometimes goes on a sail….or just lazes around…She never leaves my side as long as I am reading…and many a time..when I thought any article of mine was not good enough to exist in words…she has insisted on my not destroying them.

Sometimes she angers me with her laid back nature…her ability to say the other person is right than sticking to my side…and when she makes me repent and apologize. But overall I feel she is not the bad sort.

She is a nymph..who lives in the far reaches my mind…who visits me often…whom my friends see in a smile or a word..and many read in the nonsense I write!

Just now..she found out I am writing about her..she seemed curious…read the stuff I had to say..and smiled at me mysteriously.

Oh yeah,I am a stranger I meet often!

Train chronicles

We are but a collection of the experiences we have...the memories we build and the beauty we bring along!

Sometimes..I think that there is nothing in this world called "ordinary". As long as I am alert and observant, I always find something new to tickle my senses…ideas to questions my beliefs…and things I see…I hear..and feel have sometimes created a ripple effect which have had great effects on the kind of person I am.
I maintain a diary about my train journeys... some of which are fun..some insipid..some amusing..each one of them written down as I see it and the corresponding thoughts...It may seem crazy but while I read these entries..I can go back..actually feel the movements of the train..the colors in the window…and the feeling of being on the move!

A train has a collective soul..a sea of all the souls it carries in its bosom.. a train is a metaphor to so many things..but to me a train is like a small prototype of life itself..I travel in the train every week..The people I meet..the sunsets and sunrise I witness..is different everytime..My experiences in train are so varied..I decided to keep a note of all of them-the memorable ones and the not so memorable ones as well.

21/10/06

"

trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!"

I squirm and turn to my side..and grope in the dark for my cell to turn of the annoying noise.The good me whispers "wake up! today ..the the ticket queue will be long...wake up! you gotta rush!" . The devilish me says "ooooh...the bed feels extra soft...Wouldn't it be great to snuggle in and lose myself in sleep for a few more mins?"

I have a very very soft corner for the devil in me...but, I realized reluctantly my virtuous side was as always irritatingly right. I wouldn't get tickets if I don't hurry, this being the long holiday weekend for Diwali and Eid! I drag myself out of the warm bed and walk in a haze into the bathroom. I am still dozing when I mechanically brush my teeth. There must be some easier way of cleaning ones teeth!!

I get ready..and put on my backpack and pick up my laptop and my handbag..In the mirror I stare into a overburdened donkey..smile at the reflection and head toward getting myself to the railway station.

I find an auto wallah. and notice that his meter is broken down. He looks at me and sincerely says that it will cost me 70/-. I snort and tell him that it wont cost more than 60/- bucks. He grins and says "yes,just tried to make 10/- extra". I chide him for trying to resort to daylight robbery and ask him to ride fast. I love blore in morning times...I remember mentioning this in one of my blogs..

Anyways, when I reach the station..my worst fears were realized! the queue was long and people were already irritable. I walk to the end of the queue and pray for deliverance. ..Bingo!some guy says they are giving mysore tickets in the other queue..I run ahead and join the smaller queue!

I get my tickets in 15 minutes...and there is kiddish looking guy (KLG) standing behind me. I walk towards Platform no 5 and he calls at me and says the train is in platform 8.I am the first one to get into the train and the KLG occupies the seat in front of me.Some days the lady luck just smiles benevolently!

I get out of the train to get my usual plain cake and tea…I simply love the combination. As I settle down next to the window, KLG hesitantly asks me about where I stay and what I do. I am amused about the fact that he is so intimidated by me..and absolutely enjoy the way he seems surprised that I am much elder to him! He seems intent on continuing the conversation...but I am not. I open my laptop and write down my experiences of swimming(which will be posted soon). After I am done...I decide to lie down.

When the first rays of wakefulness touch me..I see the train is not moving...I wake up surprised..and see we are already in mysore.But no fret, the train is waiting for the signal to enter the railway station..I get up and give an embarrassed smile to KLG. He looks amused as I comb my hair, apply kohl and transform myself into something which doesn't make you scream when you look at it!

The train slows moves into the station, I wear my big glares and step out!

On my way back:

There is a sweet silence everywhere..after the weekend Diwali celebration my ears are relieved that there are no more scary noises..I am one of the few people who don't enjoy Diwali. I have always been weary of sudden loud noises..and when coupled with sparks..they never fail to terrify me! Anyways..after a 5 day break its time to head back to bangalore.

I get a window seat..and since there is still half an hour for departure ,I sit with my mom on the bench (on platform)...to regurgitate all the happy moments of the past few days.

I feel that dreaming for the days ahead and reliving past pleasures are so much more fun..surely the present is overrated!

Having company has its own advantages too but I am traveling alone and it has its own pleasures. I can chew on my secret thoughts..and I can let myself day dream.

Well, I look out of the window...and see a painted serenade....the sky a canvas of pink brush strokes...little lilac clouds and contrasted by bright green fields ...the breezy evening carrying in her bosom the sweet smell of the land-caressing my face..and loosening my hair from the hair band. The loosened strands dance in the wind..and play across my cheeks..taunting me to tie them back. But I like the feel of it.
I look at the pink sky..the pink of a healthy happy onion!

As the train traverses across Srirangapatna I see the old bridge silhouetted against the evening sun and the river blow all pink...the river looked like a shy young girl..This bridge is enchanting with its old world charm but for a "casio stabilizer" ad which is gaudily painted at one end. if I ever meet the guy who painted it. I intend to pull his eyes out!

The train whizzes pass green sugar cane fields and a few minutes later we cross a canal..which is also blue and pink..but somehow seemed mysterious and dangerous!

As the colors begin to fade and darkness enveloped us...I could hear the sighs of the breeze...and the senseless babble inside the train.I see a group of boys arguing about lake Titicaca and asking each other absurd questions....I see bored faces...people sleeping,people trying to fall asleep...people talking about dissatisfaction..people sipping on tea..people staring into blank space..its a psychologist's utopia. I buy myself a cup of tea..and sip on it.

Outside I see a small hut with 6 coconut trees silhouetted against a indigo sky...

A window seat on a windy night...and hot tea...with a book to read! life sometimes...is so good..you wouldn't change a damned thing!